Stuart's Blog

Commit and feel the discomfort of committing

As a CPTSD sufferer I have a very laissez-faire attitude to commitment. I can, at the drop of a hat, throw everything out in my life and start afresh.

I've done it on a minor scale many, many times; and on a grand scale exactly once when I minimised my personal belongings down to just seventy-two items. (And unlike some minimalists who claim "wallet" as one item, I counted the wallet, each bank card, each keyring, each key as separate items).

It was a tremendously interesting and educational time as I shed more and more layers in an attempt to find the 'real' me. But what I realised was that the problem wasn't in any of the stuff I was hanging on to.

It was in the conditioning and relationships.

I believe I needed to remove all the physical layers in order to discover what was buried deep within myself and I don't regret it at all. (Ok, occasionally I regret letting go of some of my old photos but in the scheme of things it's not a problem).

So with that propensity to shed, it's quite difficult for me to commit – especially through the more trying times that any commitment entails.

And so for the last couple of months I've had an intent written at the top of the 'monthly planner' page of my journal:

Commit and feel the discomfort of committing.

I'm working on a new project right now and have already felt those creative U-turns trying to happen, my subconscious trying to ditch the project before it's even got off the ground.

But because of the intent I'm carrying, and because of the self-awareness I have nurtured, and because I have a very good person (dare I say friend?) who I 'mastermind' with every two weeks, I have found the U-turns having less and less effect on me.

Some things are worth committing to, despite the discomfort. In fact, each time I work through some discomfort, it seems to open up a whole new depth of relationship with the project, person or process in question.

#goals #CPTSD

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