Stuart's Blog

Some of the ineffective ways I protect myself

Since I’ve been processing my CPTSD, I’ve noticed a number of ways that I protect myself emotionally. They are generally unhelpful. Here are some of them:

  • Excess Body Fat – Gives me an excuse when I am unable to perform a physical task (such as completing an indoor boulder). Also provides a physical shield against emotional attack… the more ‘armour’ I have, the better, right? (No, not really)
  • Criticism – If I can criticise others then I can be ‘better’ than them without ever having to put myself out there and make effort myself.
  • Cynicism – If I can be negative and mistrustful then I never need to risk connecting with and trusting other people. My mind says they will inevitably let me down, and so by remaining negative from the start I don’t risk abandonment.
  • Ambivalence – If I fail to commit to a cause then I can’t fail at that cause.

It might seem negative to make an inventory like this, but the beauty of it is that these behaviours and habits have made their way out of my subconscious and into my conscious mind… and that means I can begin to deal with them.

It is frustrating when you’re aware of your flaws/shortcomings/unhelpful behaviours but your habits have not yet caught up to ‘fixing’ them… the first stage is, I guess, acceptance of them. Healing comes after.

#CPTSD

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